Stories of Fantasies

[Torch_Man]

Getting and giving criticism

One of the areas that people with low self-esteem have greatest difficulty with is criticism – giving as well as receiving it. Both can be extraordinarily difficult.


How to deal with criticism

Often when we're criticised, we're so hurt that we start excusing ourselves and rebutting what's being said without really listening to it.

This doesn't help us. So here are some hints and tips about dealing with criticism.
- Listen to criticism without interrupting.
- Next, if there are aspects to the criticism that are valid, begin by agreeing with those points.
- If parts are unclear, ask for clarification.
- If you realise you were wrong, say so and apologise.
- If criticism is wrong or unfair, smile and say: 'I'm afraid I don't agree with you'.


How to give criticism

People with poor-self esteem find it just as hard to dish out criticism as they do to receive it. In fact, many such individuals avoid promotion because they can't face the prospect of being in authority and having to criticise others.

So how can you learn to criticise when you have to?
- Keep calm.
- Make your criticism at an appropriate time. Don't wait until you're so fed up that you're furious. If you do, – you're bound to make a mess of it.
- Take deep breaths, then try a technique called the 'criticism sandwich'. This means you say something nice, then insert the criticism, then end with another positive comment.
- An example would be: 'Your work is usually great, but it's not quite right today. So, I'll have to ask you to re-do that report. But I bet this time you'll do it brilliantly.


Say 'I' not 'you'

You might notice that people, who are fair when they criticise, tend to use the word 'I' rather than the word 'you.' This is because the word 'I' shows you're in control and that you've thought about what you're saying.

You might say: 'I don't think you are behaving well today.' Or: 'I fear that I haven't made that clear enough because I don't think I'm carrying you with me on this point.' Or: 'I think this work isn't up to the standard I normally get from you.'

All too frequently we don't say anything initially, which is when we should address the problem. Instead, we bottle it up until we explode. Then we use the words 'you', 'you're' and 'your' all the time.

We say: 'You're incompetent', 'you've stupid', 'your work isn't up to scratch.' Or even: 'You make me sick!' These phrases sound angry and accusatory. They also indicate that we're not in control. And after uttering them, we generally feel worse about ourselves, and our self-esteem can plummet.


jz sharin,

[Torch_Man]

A final note...

Having poor self-esteem can really make our lives and our work and our relationships so much more difficult than they need to be.

So, if you have low self-esteem, I hope that this article will help you to improve it.

Because once you have more positive regard for yourself, you'll find that everything in your existence will run much more smoothly than it does at the moment.

Useful books

There are many books that can help you with issues of poor self-esteem. Below are just a few of them.
- Overcoming Low Self-esteem by Melanie Fennell, published by Constable/Robinson.
- Mind Over Mood by Greenberger and Padesky, published by Guilford Press.
- Life Coaching – a Cognitive-Behavioural Approach by Michael Neenan and Windy Dryden, published by Brunner-Routledge.
- Gael Lindenfield's Self-Esteem Bible: Build Your Confidence Day by Day' by Gael Lindenfield, published by Element Books.
- How to Accept Yourself by Windy Dryden, published by Sheldon Books


jz sharin,

[Torch_Man]

Reduces stress

Long-term (chronic) exposure to stress can cause a whole series of actual physical problems to your body.

Raised blood pressure, lowered immune response and an increased susceptibility to anxiety and depression can be caused by increased stress levels. So it is important to keep your stress levels in check.

The actual act of sex and the cuddles after can decrease your blood pressure and make you more able to face some of the problems contributing to your stress.

Sex is also a great communicator and allows both you and your partner to express how you feel about each other.


jz sharin,

[Torch_Man]

REDUCE STRESS

Dealing with stress

During the recession of 2008 to 2009, it was claimed that the last century has been the most stressful mankind has encountered.

This has to be an exaggeration! For instance, we don’t have the black death to cope with.

However, life today is profoundly affected by economic problems, unemployment, terrorism, crime and marriage break-ups. And for many people, work and commuting are very stressful.

So almost inevitably, you are bound to be exposed to a certain amount of stress at times.

Not all stress is bad. Scientists now believe that a moderate amount of stress helps you prepare for the challenges you’ll encounter during the day.

But it is important to learn to control stress so it doesn't control you.

Spotting the signs of stress

Stress is a sign that we need to look more closely at our lives. Like pain, stress should also be viewed as a warning.

If you are extremely tense and anxious, you should try to establish why. It might be your job, your parents or your relationship. Whatever it is, the chances are your stressful feelings are telling you to make changes.

Learning how to manage stress will only do half of the job if you don't try to sort out its source. You'll be doing the mental equivalent of sticking a plaster over a boil that's infected.

There is a limit to the amount of stress we can take. If we don't learn to control stress, we are liable to get a whole host of physical and mental problems – and sometimes even break down.


jz sharin,

[Torch_Man]

Dealing with stress

Symptoms of stress

Stress manifests itself in many different ways – there are literally hundreds of symptoms.

If you feel stressed, you'll certainly have some of the following.
- Dry mouth.
- Clammy hands.
- Racing heart.
- Feeling 'tight', like an over-wound clock.
- Constant tiredness.
- Migraine.
- Bowel problems.
- Eating disorders.
- Indigestion.
- Frequent minor respiratory troubles.
- Loss of libido.
- Erectile dysfunction.
- Skin complaints.
- Dizziness.
- Tearfulness.
- Insomnia.

One of the more debilitating symptoms of stress are panic attacks, which can be frightening and take over your life if you don't learn how to deal with them.

Panic attacks seem to becoming more common – chiefly affecting women, but also some men.

Some symptoms are more to do with our behaviour than our physical state, such as:
- irritability
- vagueness
- an unkempt appearance
- poor concentration
- fidgeting
- difficulty in making decisions.



jz sharin,

[Torch_Man]

Dealing with stress


Relieving stress the wrong way


Some of the things we do to relieve stress, like smoking and drinking, can be as bad for our health as the stress itself.


Tranquilisers

Several decades ago, a number of pharmaceutical companies developed pills called tranquillisers. They came to be known as 'mother's little helpers', and a vast number of patients were put on them.

By the late 70s, it was discovered that these medicines were not as safe as had been thought, and that millions of people were addicted to them. Breaking this addiction was as difficult for many patients as quitting heroin is for drug users.

Even now, many people are still getting addicted to tranquillisers. So we wouldn't recommend tranquilisers, even if you're very stressed.

Many GPs are now reluctant to prescribe tranquilisers, but even if your doctor does want to put you on them, you should never take them for more than two to four weeks.

Very occasionally, there may be a case for short-term use to get you over the worst days, say if your partner died suddenly.

So, if you’re not going to take tranquillisers, what can you do about all these stressful feelings?


The stress-busting notebook

Medicines can dull your anxiety, but can't cure it. If you want to stop stress, you must learn how to manage stressful problems.

The first step is to keep a stress-busting notebook, so you can identify what's going wrong.


Instructions
You will need a notebook that you can keep with you at all times to record your stressful moments.
Write down and rate each moment.
Give the least stressful times one asterisk and the most stressful happenings five.


How it works

People who keep a stress-busting notebook often find the areas they had thought most stressful are not as bad as other areas that they had hardly considered a problem.

For example, you may think your job is the problem, but find it's your overloaded weekends that are the worst times.

This means you can put in place steps, such as staggering chores or using the Internet for supermarket shopping.

There's nearly always a solution once you have identified the problem.


jz sharin,

[Torch_Man]

3. Burns calories

If you're overweight, you are more likely to be diagnosed with a health problem.

If you’re not sure about your current weight, check out our BMI calculatorand if you need to lose weight we have a weight loss planthat can help.

We are all guilty at looking towards new and 'trendy' routines to help us lose weight. However, the answer can be right on your doorstep, or your bedroom, or your front room – wherever takes your fancy!

Remember, sex counts as exercise and can burn up to 90 calories for every half an hour.


jz sharin,

[Torch_Man]

4. Strengthens relationships

Considerable research indicates that being in a positive relationship can improve your overall health and wellbeing. Happily married couples are less likely to develop health complications, such as cancer and heart failure , and so on average live longer.

Your body experiences a whole roller coaster of hormones when you have sex and during the pillow talk after.

The most important hormone is oxytocin, which is appropriately labelled the 'love hormone'. This particular hormone is important for the need to bond and nurture and is released when you are cuddled and have contact with your partner.


jz sharin,

[Torch_Man]

HAPPY HOLIDAYS, MAY 2012


jz sharin,