The Bro Code
 

"Whether we know it or not, each of us lives a life governed by internalized code of conduct. Some call it morality. Others call it religion. I call it "The Bro Code".

For centruies men have attempted to follow this code with no universal understading of what such an arrangment meant: Is it okay to hug a Bro? If i'm invited to a Bro's wedding, do I really have to bring a gift? Can i sleep with a Bro'ls sister, or mother, or both?

Now for the first time on paper, I have recorded the rules of social decorum that Bros have practiced since the dawn of man... if not before. The Bro Code previously existed only as an oral tradition (heh), so i have jouneyed the globe to piece together the transcribe the shattered fragments of The Bro Code, pausing only to flesh it out myself (double heh). While not intending to write a "Guide To Being A Bro" if men should treat it as such and pass this compendium of knowledge from one generation to the next, I have little doubt it would bring a tear to my eye. But not out of it. That would be a violation of Article 41: A Bro Never Cries.

It is my hope that, with a better understanding of The Bro Code, Bros the world over can put aside their differences and strengthen the bonds of brotherhood. It is then, and only then, that we might work together as one to accomplish perhaps the most important challenge society faces-getting laid. Before late: without the sport inherent in trying to bang chicks, would men willingly have se for the sole purpose of producing smelly, screaming babies?

Centuries from now, when a Bro applies the rudiments of The Bro Code to score a three-boobed future chick, the only thanks i'll need is is the knowledge that I-in whatever small capcity-Bro'd him out...though if he could figure out how to bring me back to life, that would be pretty awesome, too."

-Barney Stinson

Re: The Bro Code
 

What is a bro?

You've probably heard the word "Bro" used liberally at your local bar or gym. Perhaps you've even seen it recklessly confused with "dude" or "guy" in an adventure themed soft-drink commercial. Maybe even you yourself have unwitthingly tossed out a "Bro" when asking a stranger for the time. But an important distinction must be drawn: just because a guy is a dude, doesn't mean that dude is a Bro.

Q: What is a Bro?

A: A Bro is a person who would give you the shirt off his back when he doesn't want to wear it anymore. A Bro is a person who will bend over backwards to help you bend someone else over backwards. In short, a Bro is a lifelong companion you can trust will always be there for you, unless he's got something else going on

Q: Who is your Bro?

A: Your mailman is a Bro, your father was once a Bro, and the boy who mows your lawn represents the Bro of tomorrow, but that doesn't make him your Bro. When someone has faithfully upheld one or more of the codes in The Bro Code, then you may consider him you Bro. Warning: Exercise caution when bringing home a hot chick-your brother may or may not be you Bro.

Q: Can only dudes be Bros?

A: You don't need to be a guy to be somebody's Bro, provided you uphold the moral values contained within this sacred canon. When a women sets a guy up with her busty friend, she's acting as a Bro. And if she sets him up with other hot friends after he slept with the first one and never called her again, then she's officially his Bro.

Re: The Bro Code
 

As you thumb through The Bro Code, you may come accross some words and terms you've never seen before. Many have been boldfaced and placed in the Glossary so you can familiarize yourself with the Bronacular.

While Bros are always encouraged to spead the truth of The Bro Code, they are also cautioned against overusing "Bro". Such Broliferation cheapens the important mission of this boom and, nearly as important, makes you sound stupid.

Appropriate "Bro" Usage

Nabrolean
Tom Brokaw
Bro Jackson
Teddy Broosevelt
Broce Springsteen


Inappropriate "Bro" Usage

Broan of Arc
Brovara Walters
Bro J. Simpson
Geraldine Ferrarbro
Broko Ono

Re: The Bro Code
 

While the story of The Bro Code is not nearly as simple and elegant as God handing down some stone tablets to Broses, its origins weave all the way back to the dawn of humanity

In the beginning there was no Bro Code... which was unfortunate for the world's first Bros-Cain and Abel. Lacking an agreed-upon set of social principals, Cain killed Abel and comitted history's first Broicide. As punishment Cain was doomed to walk the earth alone. Why? Because without a wingman, he had absolutely no chance to meet chicks.

Centuries later a Bro from Sparta and a Bro from Troy got in a fight over a chick named Helen. I know, "Helen" doesn't sound hot, but allegedly she had a "face that launched a thousand ships" so you can just imagine what her rack was like. The two Bros waged a terrible war over this chick-a war that could have been avoided has the Bros been familiar with the most basic Bro Code: Bros before ho's. Troy put up a good fight, but the Spartan navy was very powerful. Soon hordes of Spartan seamen burst through the Trojan barrier, and Helen got half the gold for the next eighteen years.

Hundreds of years later, appropriately in Philadelphia (the City of Bro Love), a little known delegate named Barnabas Stinson scrathed on pathchment what is now considered the earliest attempt to record The Bro Code. Over the years Bros have amended and added rules, but Stinson's elegant words remain as the glorious preamble to The Bro Code.

While the original document is housed two stories beneath sea level in an undisclosed, vacuum-sealed, bullet-proof chamber, I was able to gain access lone enough to manufacture this replica.

http://www.thebrocode.co.uk/images/o...l-bro-code.png

Re: The Bro Code
 

Article 1 : Bro's before ho's

The bond between two men is stronger than the bond between a man and a woman because, on average, men are stronger than women. That's just science.


Did You Know...
Article 1 can trace it's genesis all the way back to Genisis. No, not the Peter Gabriel/Phil Collins pop triad, but the biblical book. The discovery of the Dead Sea Scrolls has unearthed a once-lost passage that documents the earliest infringement of The Bro Code.


Book Of Barnabas 1:1
And everything of need was provided in that Garden. Fruit, water, companionship. But one day, Adam came upon a naked chick, Eve, and desired her olive leaf. And so Adam wenteth behind and apple tree to know Eve, totally ditching his Bro, Phil, who had Knicks tickets, Courtside. Long story short, humankind became self-aware, paradise was lost, and well, we all know what happened to the Knicks.

Re: The Bro Code
 

Article 2 : A bro is always entitled to do something stupid, as long as the rest of his Bros are all doing it

Note: Had Butch Cassidy come charging out of the cabin alone people would have been like, "Dude, come one". If only one Spanish dude had decided to run down the street in front of a bunch of angry bulls, people would've been like, "Dude, come one". If only Tommy Lee had worn eyeliner in the early day of Motley Crue, pleople would've been like, "Lady, come one". The license to be stupid is why we have Bros in the first place.

Article 3 : If a Bro gets a dog, it must be at least as tall as his knee when full-grown

COROLLARY: Naming a lapdog after a pro wrestler or a character from a Steve McQueen movie does not absolve a Bro from the spirit of this article

Article 4 : A Bro never divulges the existance of The Bro Code to a woman. It is a sacred doucment not to be shared with chicks for any reason... no, not even that reason

Note: If you are a woman reading this, first, let me apologize: it was never my intention for this book to contain so much math
Second, I urge you to look at this document for what it is- a piece of fiction meant to entertain a broad audience though the prism if stereotypical gender differences. I mean, sometimes it really is like we're from different planets! Clearly, no real person would actually believe or adhere to the vulgar rules contained within. *Those boots are adorable, b-t-dub.

Re: The Bro Code
 

Article 5 : Whether he cares about sports or not, a Bro cares about sports.

Article 6 : A Bro shall not lollygag if he must get naked in front of other Bros in a gym locker room

COROLLARY: If a bro gets naked in a locker room, all other Bros shall pretend that nothing out of the ordinary is happening while, at the same time, immediately averting their eyes. When in doubt, remember the old adage: "If a towel drops to the floor, so should your eyes".

Article 7 : A Bro never admits he can't drive, even after an accident

Re: The Bro Code
 

Article 8 : A Bro never sends a greeting card to another Bro
There are no sentiments between Bros that cannot be articulated through the convenience and emotional distance of electronic mail. The following are a few emails for any Brocassion that succinctly get the message accross without costnig you the trouble and expense of having to find and then send an actual greeting card.


EMAILS FOR ANY BROCASSION


SYMPATHY

To: Bro
From: Bro
Subject: Dude

Sorry, Bro.


CONGRATULATIONS

To: Bro
From: Bro
Subject: Bro!

Nice, Bro!


GET WELL SOON

To: Bro
From: Bro
Subject: Bro...

Don't give up, Bro.


HAPPY BIRTHDAY

To: Bro
From: Bro
Subject: Dude

Drinks on me, Bro.


THINKING OF YOU

To: N/A
From: N/A
Subject: N/A

N/A

Re: The Bro Code
 

Article 9 : Should a Bro lose a body part due to an accident or illness, his fellow Bros will not make lame jokes such as "Gimme three!" or "Wowm quitting your job like that really took a lot of ball". It's still a high five and that Bro still has a lot of balls... metaphorically speaking, of course

Article 10 : A Bro will drop whatever he's doing and rush to help his Bro dump a chick
It's normal for a Bro to get confused and disorientated when dumping a chick. For some reason he's worried she'll become agitated or even violent after he calmly explains his desire to have sex with her friends. This is when a Bro most needs his Bro to remind him that there are plenty more chicks in the ocean, and that a breakup need not be hazardous, stressful, or even time-consuming.

SIDE-BRO: HOW TO DUMP A CHICK IN SIX WORDS OR LESS

"Maybe try a side salad instead"
"Cute! You're growing a mustache, too!"
"She looks like a younger you"
"I will finance a boob job"
"Sorry I threw out your shoes"
"Your sister let me do that"

Re: The Bro Code
 

Article 11 : A Bro may ask his Bro(s) to help him move, but only after first disclosing an honest estimate on both time commitment and number of large pieces of furniture. If the Bro has vastly underestimated either, his Bros retain the right to leave his possessions where they are - in most cases, stuck in the doorway.


Article 12 : Bros do not share dessert.


Article 13 : All Bros shall dub one of their bros his wingman


Article 14 : If a chick inquires about another Bros sexual history, a Bro shall honour the Brode of Silence and play dumb. Better to have women think all men are stupid than to tell the truth.


Article 15 : A Bro never dances with his arms above his head.

Re: The Bro Code
 

Article 16 : A Bro should be able, at any time, to recite the following reigning champions: Super Bowl, World Series and Playmate of the Year.


Article 17 : A Bro shall be kind and courteous to his co-workers, unless they are beneath him on the pyramid of Screaming.
America was built on the backs of men and women who were yelled at to work harder, and the tradition has been screamed from generation to generation. But you can’t just scream at anybody …. You can only scream at those beneath you.


Article 18 : If a Bro spearheads a beer run at a party, he is entitled to any excess monies accrued after can canvassing the group.

NOTE: To avoid confrontation, it’s a good idea for the bro to jettison the receipt before returning to the party.


Article 19 : A Bro shall not sleep with another Bro’s sister. However, a Bro shall not get angry of another Bro says, “Dude, your sister’s hot!”

COROLLARY: It’s probably best for everyone if Bros just hide pictures of their sisters when other Bros are coming over.

CHECKLIST FOR BRO-PROOFING YOUR HOME

• Hide all pictures of hot sisters, moms and first cousins.
• Open liquor bottles and dust the bar to give the impression you actually use it.
• As a courtesy, move printed porn from the bedroom to the bathroom.
• Scan DVR playlist and remove embarrassing TV programs like daytime talk shows.
• Open all windows.
• Display all remote controls on the coffee table, regardless of functionality.
• Disconnect answering machine, or…
• Call Mom an hour before your Bros arrive.
• Coasters, coasters, coasters!
• Sign out of email account.
• Usher girlfriend/booty call off the premises.


Article 20 : A Bro respects all his Bros in the military because they’ve selflessly chose to defend the nation, but more to the point, because they can kick his ass six ways to Sunday.

Re: The Bro Code
 

Article 21 : A Bro never shares observations about another Bro’s smoking-hot girlfriend. Even if the Bro with the hot girlfriend attempts to bait the Bro by saying, “She’s smoking-hot, huh?” a Bro shall remain silent, because in this situation, he’s the only one who should be baiting.


Article 22 : There is no law that prohibits a woman from being a Bro.

Women make excellent Bros. Why? Because they can translate and navigate the confusing and contradictory whims that comprise the Chick Code.

DO CHICKS REALLY HAVE THEIR OWN CODE?

Yes, I’m afraid so. One morning, before slipping out the door wile my hostess was in the shower, I happened upon a copy of the rumoured tome. I didn’t have time to flip must past the pink bedazzled cover, but here are some of the phases I remember seeing on the frilly pages within:

• A chick shall not sleep with another chick’s ex-boyfriend, unless she does.
• A chick never pays for anything. Ever.
• If two chicks get into a fight, they shall make catty remarks and pretend to ignore each other, rather than simply stripping down and wrestling it out.
• If a chick hears a chick-empowering song like “I Will Survive,” she shall stop whatever she’s doing, grab another chick’s hand, and shriek the lyrics at the top of her lungs.
• A chick may get a dog as a pet, but only if it fits in her mailbox.
• If two chicks are wearing the same outfit, each retains the right to accidentally spill a drink on the other.
• A chick shall not operate a motor vehicle in a safe manner.
• A chick has a free pass to slut it up on Halloween.

Re: The Bro Code
 

Article 23 : When flipping through TV channels with his Bros, a Bro is not allowed to skip past a program featuring boobs. This includes, but is not limited to, exercise shows, women’s athletics, and on some occasions, surgery programs.


Article 24 : When wearing a baseball cap, a Bro may position the brim at either 12 or 6 o’ clock. All other angles are reserved for rappers and the handicapped.


Article 25 : Unless he has children, a Bro shall not wear his cell phone on a belt clip.


Article 26 : A Bro never removes his shirt infront of other Bros, unless at a resort pool or the beach.

Corollary: A Bro with a coat of fur on his back keeps that thing covered at all times, even at a resort pool or the beach. Sorry, Bro.


Article 27 : A Bro will, in timely manner, alert his Bro to the existence of a girl fight.

A Bro must, in timely manner, communicate the possibility of fisticuffs between two humans of the female variety (henceforth "girl fight"), in an effort to make possible and probable that another Bro or Bros can partake in observation. A "timely manner" is open to interpretation based on the initial Bro's viewing and processing of the potential feminine conflagration. Said Bro must use any and all methods of media distribution at his disposal, including but not limited to: telecommunications, elbow nudging, carrier pigeons, fiber optics, shouting, postcards, and telepathy. If an informed Bro is unable to witness the girl fight firsthand, the spotter Bro is responsible for documenting and relating details of the girl fight via pictures, video, or, barring any other reasonable method, interpretive dance and/or pantomime.


Article 28 : If two Bros decide to catch a movie together, they may not attend a screening that begins after 4:40 PM. Also, despite the cost of savings, they shall not split a tub of popcorn, choosing instead to procure individual bags.


Article 29 : A Bro doesn't comparison shop.


Article 30 : A Bro doesn't allow another Bro to get married until he's at least thirty.

Re: The Bro Code
 

Article 31 : When in a public restroom, a Bro (1) stares straight ahead when using the urinal; (2) makes the obligatory comment, "What is this a chicks' restroom?" if there are more than two dudes waiting to pee; and (3) attempts to shoot his used paper towel into the trash can like a basketball... rebounding is optional.


Article 32 : Bros cannot make eye contact during a devil's threeway.


Article 33 : A Bro never rents a chick flick.


Article 34 : When jquestioned in the company of women, a Bro alays decries fake breasts.

When in conversation with a woman, fake breasts may arise, but not in the way that you'd like. It's not uncommon for a woman to deftly use trick questions in order to probe a Bro's real thoughts on the subject of breats augmentation. And don't be fooled into thinking your prepared speech on the beauty of the natural human form can get you out of it.

HOW TO HANDLE FAKE BREASTS

Wrong Answer
Chick: Ugh, her breasts are so fake.
Bro: Totally. Unnatural is unsexy.
Chick: So you've been staring at her breasts, huh?


Wrong Answer
Chick: Ugh, her breasts are so fake.
Bro: Whose?
Chick: You know who I'm talking about.
Bro: Oh. Yes, those must be fake.
Chick: So you've been staring at her breasts, huh?


Wrong Answer
Chick: Ugh, her breasts are so fake.
Bro: No?
Chick: Well then, why don't you go marry her, then???


Correct Answer
Chick: Ugh, her breasts are so fake.
Bro: I Wouldn't know.
Chick: Oh. Well they are.

Re: The Bro Code
 

Article 35 : A Bro is under no obligation to open a door for anyone. If a women insist on having their own professional basketball league, then they can open their own doors. Honestly, they're not that heavy.


Article 36 : Even in a fight to the death, a Bro never punches another Bro in the groin.


Article 37 : When a Bro gets a chick's number, he waits at least ninety-six hours before calling her.

SIDE-BRO:
ASK Uncle Barney

Q: I'm confused- if a woman gives me her phone number, doesn't that mean she wants me to call her? Why do i have to wait so long?

A: Broflation - an unreasonable increase in female expectations about how Bros should act. you call a woman the next day, and soon enough, women everywhere will expect guys to call them the next day. Before you know it, Bros the world over will find themselves trapped in relationships, and all because you couldn't wait ninety-six little hours.

Q: Okay, I've waited ninety-six hours. When's the best time of day to call?

A: Call during the middle of the day. You'll have a better chance of catching her voice mail, which ultimately means less conversation. With any luck you'll be able to set something up without ever having to talk to her. Note: Never call after 9 PM -- late-night phone calls are the province of the booty call, and only the booty call. See Article 92 for further elaboration.

Q: I've always heard you wait three days? Why does the Bro Code specify four?

A: If you've always heard that a bro should wait three days before calling, you can bet that women have, too. By waiting an extra day, you can make the chick feel special.